There is no mystery that my all life I lived in a “live or die” scenario. In my mind, life was a battlefield and everyday I had to fight to be high on top.
- I had to be the best.
- The first experiencing and trying new things.
- I had to constantly have courage and never show my weaknesses.
The world should have not watched me fail. For no reason.
But I hated myself.
Deep down I loathed myself for my curvy body, for my “being different”, for wanting it all (success, freedom, love & money), and for being intelligent. Yes, there was a time when I wished I was stupid to make a guy love me. It did not work.
People were scared of me because I was too much (their words) or they didn’t like me because of my body (again, their words).
The hurt and the feeling of not being enough entered immediately in me and stuck there for years.
I felt unloved, unwanted and incredibly lonely.
My body and I hit rock bottom on Halloween 2018 (I was 27 and yep there was my Saturn return, my Litith movement and the Lunar Nodes as well).
I ended up in the hospital and I was diagnosed with endometriosis. A chronic disease I have to live for my entire life (again, their words).
At this moment, my perspective shifted. The focus needed to be on me and on my well-being. No matter what other people said or thought of me. I had to stop putting their opinion before my own. I had to take care of myself and I had to learn to love myself.
A Roadtrip to Self-Love: one hell of a journey
To be honest, after the diagnosis, it took me two years to have the courage to really look into it. I was scared, so scared.
The medical department was of NO help to me. I wasn’t lucky enough to find doctors who had the empathy to understand my feelings and that endo hits the lifestyle and psychology of a person, it’s not just physical.
So, I started doing plenty of research on my own. I studied, read and re-lived the trauma I experienced in the hospital multiple times and I eventually found help in self-development books.
In the world of mystics, spirituality and self-love.
And so I finally started to heal. Little by little, piece by piece, I started the journey of healing myself 360°.
Learning to Truly Love Myself and stop the fight-attitude
This year, for the first time I recognized how I’ve been living my whole life: I was in fighting mode.
By this, I mean when deep down in yourself, you think that the whole world is in a constant fight for survival. That people are mean, dangerous and that the world is not safe.
I was always in defensive mode. Putting so many thick walls to protect myself and not to let anyone in.
But slowly I started to unweave this thinking. With my healing, I started to see that there is good in life, in people and in the world if we decide to see it.
Oh, I will still be fighting – it’s in my nature, Aries babe – but I will use my courage to love, be kind and to see the good in life.
Nowadays it’s weird to write it, but I am in love with life, with my life and it is something I did not see it coming. I hated my life and I struggled so much to be the best.
Whilst right now, I love life and I am slowly starting to feel safe in the world. And that’s because I started to love myself completely: weaknesses and talents, shadows and light.
Learning to love oneself is a journey, a challenging one, but it is mandatory to aspire to do best, to contribuite to a higher cause. To share our unique talents in a pure way. With no exceptions and no judgements. But just because we are.
Simply, we are.
Thank you for reading this post which is a bit different from the usual. But I wanted to express what I was feeling and if this resonate with you, know you are not alone. We never are. Also, there is beauty in the humankind, there is truly.
Take this blog post as a friendly reminder that changing is possible and to be honest, is the only certainty we have.
P.s. I now help people finding their truest self by rising up with their own strength on my online business, Rising Wild. It’s in Italian but if you’d like me to mentor you, send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’d love to guide you even in English.